Your Goals Make You Miserable. Here's Why.

The story of Raj, the Valley of Longing, and a very unwanted pet

May 11, 2025

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This is Raj.

Simple stick figure illustration of Raj with a neutral expression and untucked shirt, representing the everyday self before desire-driven transformation — a visual metaphor for self-awareness and the starting point of personal growth.

Actually, this is Raj, too. But let's stick with plain Raj for now.

Raj wants a promotion. Just a simple wish, better title, business class flights. It’s reasonable. I mean… who doesn’t want a promotion?

Stick figure illustration of Raj in a tie holding a briefcase, standing on a pedestal — symbolizing professional ambition, the desire for promotion, and society's definition of success and happiness.

Then, last week, Raj stumbled onto his college friend's Instagram, with 45,000 followers and counting. Raj is creative, too. He wants to build things that last the test of time. Perennial Sellers. Maybe he should start a YouTube channel.

Raj thinks, “If he can go viral, why can’t I?”

Stick figure Raj wearing sunglasses, holding a camera and briefcase, standing confidently on a pedestal — representing creative ambition, social comparison, and the pursuit of viral success driven by external validation.

Also, there’s that marathon he wants to run. That Japan trip he’s been meaning to plan. And the newsletter he swears he will start before he turns 30.

But here’s the thing. None of that is Raj.

That’s “If-Only Raj”. The one he imagines.

And between real Raj and this idealized version, there’s a gap.

It’s the Valley of Longing.

Illustration of Raj standing on one side of a cliff, gazing at his ideal self across the 'Valley of Longing' — a symbolic depiction of the emotional gap between who we are and who we aspire to be, highlighting the root of unhappiness and desire.

What Makes You Miserable?

It’s not the idealized version itself that makes you unhappy. It’s this Valley of Longing.

The gap between dreaming and doing.

It’s the mismatch between who you are and who you think you should be.

Linger in that gap long enough, and you start to feel it.

A presence. Quiet. Familiar. Heavy.

The Misery Elephant1.

Illustration of Raj overwhelmed beside the Misery Elephant — a visual metaphor for emotional weight caused by unfulfilled desires and the psychological toll of self-discrepancy and inaction.

He first showed up when Raj missed an important conference due to illness. He grew heavier when Raj skipped marathon training... and heavier still when Raj didn’t plan the Japan trip… again.

The Misery Elephant doesn’t scold. He doesn’t speak at all. He just sits. In Silence. An unwanted pet, pressing down on your chest. Not judging, just weighing.

The Misery Elephant is not here because Raj failed. He’s here because Raj hasn’t moved.

Raj sits beside the Misery Elephant, looking across a wide emotional chasm toward his ideal self with the caption 'All these dreams… and I am still in the same place' — illustrating the psychological burden of unmet desires and the paralysis of comparison in the Valley of Longing.

Sound familiar?

Dressing Up Our Desires

We don’t just collect desires. We wear them. Each new desire adds a layer.

A tie for promotion. Shoes for fitness. Sunglasses for becoming an AI-ninja. Another hobby. Another version of you.

You keep adding layers. One after another. Like armor. Or costume. Until the outfit no longer feels like yours.

Eventually, it gets heavy. Not all at once, gradually. Subtly. You don’t notice at first. But one day, you try to move... and can't.

You are weighed down.

And there you stand, frozen. Not because you are weak.

Because you are overloaded. Overwhelmed.

Staring across the Valley of Longing at the version of you who seems to have it all figured out.

The Ideal You. Just out of reach.

Raj isn’t alone. Psychology explains this as Self-Discrepancy Theory2:

Actual Self: Who you are right now.
Ideal Self: Who you desire of becoming (your goals, dreams, values).
Ought Self: Who you think you are supposed to be (thanks, society!).

The bigger the gap between your Actual and Ideal selves, the heavier your Misery Elephant grows.

Copy-Paste Ambition

Desire isn't bad. It’s human.

Mahabharata Unravelled says Kāma, the pursuit of desire, is a valid life goal. Buddhism (as explained in Incarnations) teaches desire itself isn't wrong, clinging desperately is.

The issue isn’t having desires but never questioning where they come from.

Philosopher René Girard called this mimetic desire: we want things because others want them first.

Your friend goes viral → You crave recognition.
Your coworker gets promoted → You want a better title.
Someone runs a marathon → You Google “best running shoes 2024”.

We think we crave, but mostly, we copy.

We copy from the people we admire (Mark Zuckerberg, Shane Parrish, Charlie Munger) and from the people who are most like us (friends/colleagues/parents). We assign value to things according to what other people want.

Article on Mimetic Desire

The Identity Trap

The moment Raj decided to start a YouTube channel, he called himself a YouTuber.

No videos. No subscribers. But the identity was already formed.

Why?

Identity-Based Motivation Theory3 explains: we act in line with who we believe we are. When reality doesn’t match that identity, the brain feels misery.

You are not a fraud.
You are just stuck in a story that your actions haven’t caught up with yet.

And just like that, you have invited the Misery Elephant to sit beside you.

Crossing the Valley of Longing

Ask yourself: "Where did this desire originate?"

If curiosity, joy, or meaning sparked it, keep it.

If envy, comparison, or FOMO drove it, let it go.

These gaps, between your actual and ideal selves, aren’t inherently bad. The Self-Discrepancy Theory shows they can fuel motivation but only if we take action.

You don’t abandon desires entirely, you filter them. Keep those that genuinely excite you, even on tough days. And then you act:

Want to be a writer? Write 200 words.
Dream of making videos? Start with a 1-minute short.
Want to travel? Start saving $50 every month.

Each small step you take moves you forward, slowly leaving the Misery Elephant behind.

Just like Raj.

Raj climbs a staircase away from the Misery Elephant, saying 'just one small step at a time,' moving toward his ideal self — a motivational metaphor for overcoming the weight of desire and bridging the self-discrepancy gap through consistent action.

Desires Don’t Have to Weigh You Down

Desires can clothe us heavily, or they can help us build a path.

Know which desires genuinely belong to you and start taking small, steady steps toward them.

The Valley of Longing isn't permanent. It's a place you pass through, not one you call home.

Desire doesn't have to trap you. It can set you free, once you choose your dreams instead of borrowing someone else's.

Until next time,

Tapan (Connect with me by replying to this email)

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Yes, if you are a Wait But Why fan, this article is inspired by Tim Urban’s Why Procrastinators Procrastinate. If you haven’t read it, go read it. Not now now. Maybe after this. Or after lunch. Or your Monday scaries. Honestly, do whatever, you are in charge. I just think it’s a really good article.

The Self-Discrepancy Theory is based on research done by Tory Higgins. You can read a simple explanation here.

The Identity-Based Motivation paper by Oyserman explains that our sense of identity isn’t fixed, it changes depending on the situation. And that shifting identity drives what we choose to do, how we feel about it, and whether we stick with it when it gets tough.

Monthly Mulling by Tapan Desai